Get Out Of The Maze
Hard-won lessons in learning to let go.
Imagine making your way through a dark yet fiery, suffocating jungle.
It’s littered with long, sharp thorns that stick out from every direction, turning each step you take into a terrifying and risky one.
As if that weren’t enough, hot, searing hot flames lash out at you at random intervals — making sure you walk in fear, never feeling safe enough to let your guard down.
Occasionally, the flames would succeed in taking an excruciating lick at your skin, burning you raw.
You desperately look for a way out, hoping your next turn around the corner will bring relief instead of panic and dread.
But it never does.
This is what it feels like to endlessly fixate on the angry, negative thoughts in your head.
How would I know, you ask?
It’s where I used to live.
Building My Own Trap
I’m not exaggerating when I say that I’ve spent most of my life trapped in my own mind.
I’d think about something somebody did or said to me that I felt was unfair or wrong, and then I would keep thinking about it over and over again, day after day, unable to let go.
So instead of moving forward, I allowed these thoughts and the ‘wrongful’ party to take up space in my head, living there rent-free for YEARS, and keeping me stuck in the past.
In other words, I’d become the creator of my own needless suffering.
This self-created trap that I caged myself into is what Los Angeles-based psychotherapists Phil Stutz and Barry Michels call The Maze.
Breaking Free From The Maze
In a perfect world, every wrong would be righted, and every person who’s wronged you would apologize.
Therein lies the problem.
The world we live in is anything but perfect (or fair) and more often than not, everyone thinks they’re right, so if you’re expecting that apology to be delivered to your doorstep on a silver platter, you’re going to be stuck in The Maze for a really long time.
I know I was. I also knew that any more precious time spent in it would be wasted.
I wanted out.
The key to freeing yourself from The Maze, say Stutz and Michels, the authors of The Tools: 5 Tools To Help You Find Courage, Creativity, And Willpower — And Inspire You To Live In Forward Motion, is to accept life as it is, and people as they are — especially when you find their behavior offensive.
Given that I can’t change anyone but myself, I don’t disagree.
It is this acceptance through Outflow — something that they describe as a judgement-free spiritual force of pure giving — that can release you from The Maze’s grip by helping to dissipate feelings of anger that you may be holding on to.
To tap into Outflow, you need to practice what’s called Active Love:
Start by closing your eyes and imagine you’re completely enveloped by a universe that’s made out of love.
Feel yourself taking in all the loving energy that the universe has to give and place it in your heart.
Now, bring the person that you’re angry and bitter at to mind, and send them every ounce of love that you’ve collected and concentrated in your heart, holding none of it back.
Imagine feeling all that love entering this person’s body, and that the path of infinite love you’ve created to this person has allowed you to become one with them.
Finally, feel yourself becoming whole again, and walking free from The Maze so you can move forward with your life.
I have to admit, the first time I tried Active Love, it felt strange — almost like I was trying to force something that wasn’t real into existence.
But many tries later, it sunk in: It’s not about forgiving someone for its own sake, or letting someone off the hook for something they shouldn’t have done.
And it’s most definitely not about tolerating toxic or abusive behaviour.
It’s about doing what I need to do to rebuild and protect my mental peace, a part of which includes doing the work to let go of the hurt, anger and resentment for me, not for them.
Most importantly, it’s about choosing not to shackle myself to the past so I can be free to live in the present and create the future I want.
✨ Life Outside The Maze
“Do you want to be right or do you want to create something? That’s what it always comes down to. Life is moving forward. If you want to play games over here, you can’t get those days and hours back.” ~Phil Stutz
The thing about ruminating is that once you realize that you’re stuck in a negative mental loop, you’ve probably been there for awhile (in my case, decades).
And as long as you expect the wrong that you’re mad about to be acknowledged, apologized for and fixed, the more time you’re probably going to spend ruminating while life passes you by.
This is why I’m working on recognizing when I’m in danger of being drawn into The Maze so I can make a detour rather than wait until I’m lost so deep in it that it feels impossible to get out.
While still a work-in-progress for me, this process of detaching from what’s not serving my mental health is a deeply necessary one.
It allows me to look forward to the peace and stillness that comes with not having a chaotic, irrational mind.
If you’ve been in The Maze, you’d likely also know how much better life is when you’re not in it: You’re calmer, you feel lighter, happier and more focused, and you make better decisions.
So if you ever find yourself on the verge of being sucked into the dark, fiery depths of self-inflicted agony that is the ruminating mind, I hope you can find the strength to stop, take a few deep breaths, radiate love, and walk in the opposite direction instead.
Your well-being depends on it.
With love,
-Michele
💌 OUT OF THE INBOX
If you found some value in this newsletter, consider supporting my work by buying me a coffee :) ☕
Know someone who's looking for more calm in their life? Share this newsletter with them so they can sign up for my 7-Day Calm-Mind Challenge or Daily Self-Care Ritual Workbook (both are free!). 🧘